I bet that you look good on the dance floor

England need not worry about our prospects in Germany this summer when Peter Crouch can score and do the robot:



He's probably best advised to stick to his day job though. The same could go for my man Alan Pardew for his celebration after his side West Ham scored the winner in the FA Cup semi final:

They should both take lessons from the legend that is Hot Butter Baz Hodgkinson:

Or these kids:

I bet that you look good on the dancefloor:

Lucky. Very lucky.

Never have I felt so grateful to God for His kindness. There was a large earthquake in Yogyakarta on Java early this morning (or late last night GMT). Over 1000 people have died. My parents and youngest brother were there for the weekend but thankfully are safe. I didn't know about this until my Aunt called me early this morning and told me about it and I'm watching footage of it on the news as I type.

I've just got through to my Mum who confirmed that they're alright. The airport has crumbled so they couldn't fly out but they're on an emergency bus out to Jakarta right now. They were saved this morning by the fortunate choice of deciding to go and see the sunrise at Borobudur, which is outside the city and, most importantly, in an open space away from any buildings that could have fallen on them. Who knows what would have happened if they had just stayed in bed in their hotel with a roof and the city crumbling around them.

I thank God so much for His kindness in keeping my family safe and also pray for His help for those who have died or have been injured or lost their houses. It's put things in perspective for me as well. I was shattered last night after finishing the first week of exams and was a bit worried about some mistakes I knew I'd made on the papers. Today's news are just another reminder about the bigger picture of life. There are more important things to worry about than exams.

I'm a very lucky man. Thanks and praises be to God.

Business idea

It's been bucketing down for about a week now. I don't actually mind this because we're having a bit of a drought here so any water we get before summer kicks off is a good thing.

It did get me thinking though. In Indonesia it's possible to hire dukun (shayman) to do some sort of magic to stop the rain from coming if you have a special day where you need good weather. Some people do it for weddings, birthday bashes and, bizzarely, corporate golf days. How much money could you make if that happened here? Think about the flipside as well. In America, the Native Americans apparently have a rain dance to make the rain fall when it wasn't falling. You could probably make a packet from that too.

A lightbulb just went off in my head. Make a merger between Indonesian dukuns and Native American rain dancers so you can make the rain fall or leave as you please. Did I just hear something go 'cha-ching!'? Well, it could work but I wouldn't do it myself.

Got to be better than Ali G's idea though:

Once more

Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more...
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
(from Henry V, 3.1.1-14)

It's never a good thing when you find yourself blogging instead of revising the night before your first exam...but I'm doing it anyway.

It's exam time yet again and what better motivation than the famous speech from Henry V to get you going. Admittedly there isn't quite the same kind of pressures and adrenaline for a Law student facing an exam than a soldier facing his enemy in war but it's appropriate nonetheless, espescially as it's a Contract exam tomorrow (breach of contract..."once more in to the breach" - credit the lecturer for making the link but you know a joke's not funny when you have to explain it. Thank God tomorrow isn't a comedy exam.)

The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

Come on you lawyersssssssssssssssss!

Useless thought for the day

Have you ever thought of a world without hypothetical situations?

Champions League Final: Barca 2 - 1 Arsenal

Arsenal lost. The referee had a stinker. It's debatable whether or not Arsenal would have been better of if he had kept Lehmann on and allowed Barca to go 1-0 up. I was annoyed with the ref's decision...until Arsenal scored that is. I was loving it when Campbell scored. Everyone's been complaining but if Arsenal had gone on to win, the press would just be shouting about how wrong it was not to allow Barcelona to score. The ref would have been wrong whatever he did. It just shows that you just deal with each situation as it comes, regardless of how fair or unfair it is. In that sense last night's game was a lesson for life not just for football. All we can do is accept what happens and continue with life without grumbling.

Arsenal were brave throughout the game and I thought they were going to nick it but, in truth, Barcelona were worthy winners. We'll never know who would have come out on top if it had stayed 11 v 11 on the night. However, over the course of the season there is no doubt that Barcelona have been the best team in Europe and deserve to end the year being called European Champions. Congratulations to them.

Colours to the mast

For tomorrow, and for tomorrow only, I am Gunner. An English club in the Champions League Final for a second year in a row. Come on the Arsenal! Come on the Premiership!

Good luck.

Solid gold

Auntie made another blooper. The BBC were supposed to have a white bearded IT expert called Guy Kewney to comment on Apple v Apple and internet downloading in general. What they gave us by mistake was a Congolese cab driver who had absolutely no idea what he was doing there.

Click here, read the story, play the video and enjoy. Just look at the bloke's face when he realises what's happened. Absolute solid bloody gold. A star is born.

FA Cup Final: great drama on the BBC

Liverpool 3
Cisse 32, Gerrard 54, 90
West Ham 3
Carragher 21 og, Ashton 28, Konchesky 64
(Liverpool win 3-1 on pens)


The game took my breath away. The players' skill yesterday came was a sight to behold but it still came second to the emotion, excitement and drama of the match that makes the FA Cup so addictive. It is definetly the best Cup Final I've ever watched and was a fantastic advert not just for the FA Cup, not just for English football, but for the game world wide. With Germany 2006 approaching, I've seen 'World Cup Free' zones popping up here and there. Anyone considering spending time in one of those over the summer should get a tape of yesterday's match and reconsider their options. It's matches like this that make people love football.

It was a match you didn't want either team to lose. The English love for an underdog meant that most were probably cheering on The Hammers, and they would have loved the way they played yesterday. Cup Finals are normally cagey affairs but West Ham must take full credit for making yesterday's different. Their 'who dares wins' attitude and the apparent absence of a fear of failure meant that even the mighty Liverpool were given something to think about. Captain Nigel Reo-Coker and centre-forward Dean Ashton were the most impressive of a wonderful team.

Sadly for West Ham, their courage and verve was matched only by Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard. He's a player I've praised before and yesterday showed why I admire him so much. His last minute leveller, an absolute beauty from 35 yards, was a goal fitting of the occassion. Reina will take much of the credit for his shoot-out saves but Gerrard was the true difference. Both he and West Ham made sure the Final was played in the true brave and gallavanting spirit of the FA Cup and made it a final to remember.

Sounds of summer

Chirping birds, lawn mowers, ice cream vans, willow on leather, the neighbour's kids on their trampoline.

And George Harrison.




A great stress reliever.

1000th visitor

I put the hit counter on the side bar about six weeks ago and it looks like we'lll soon be hitting the milestone of having the 1000th visitor to Who ate all the pies?. As a token of my gratitude to you, my beloved readers, I want to mark this not-quite-so-historic moment by giving away a prize to the 1000th visitor. In keeping with the name of the blog, I want to give away a pie.

If you come on to the blog and see the number 1000 on the hit-counter all you have to do is leave a comment saying "I win, I win, I win!" and I will buy you a pie of your choice*. The winner may also, if they please, have a picture of them and their pie placed right here on Who ate all the pies?. Some of you might come here and find you are only visitor 998. You will probably then click refresh twice so you can be number 1000. You are cheeky. I like that. If you do this, I will buy you two pies.

Thanks for your continued visits. I hope you're enjoying reading this blog as much as I am writing it.

*Conditions:
(1) Cannot be a pork pie.
(2) If you live outside the UK, the interests of hygiene mean that I may not be able to actually send you the pie itself but I will send you some money so that you can buy a pie yourself.
(See how legal I am becoming. The big words give but the small words taketh away)

Talking to the barber

I was having a chat with the barber as he was cutting my hair today. I won't be doing this again. He cut the front of my hair as I was talking and some of it fell in to my open mouth. He didn't notice and just carried on chopping.

Some of it just fell out but there was a fair chunk stuck to my tongue. I couldn't do anything. It was a bit of a dilemma. Do I embarrass myself a little and try to scrape it off with my hand in front of everyone? Or do I take it like a man, avoid the embarrassment and just swallow it?

I swallowed. I don't recommend it. Never talk when you're having your hair cut.

The Fear

Things are getting a bit hairy with only two weeks until the first paper. I actually saw some guy cry in the library the other day. Honest. He just broke down, put his head in his books and started to shake and make sniffing noises. I felt so bad for him. I wanted to tell him I'd been there before but I don't even know him so thought it best to pretend I hadn't noticed in case he felt embarrassed. Amelia said she was in the registry and that there were loads of people calling in saying they were 'ill' and needed an extension for their exams. Seems like everyone's coming down with The Fear.

The thought of twenty hours of exams isn't the kind of thing that fills my heart with joy either. I've been going through a range of emotions. Some mornings I wake up thinking I am the shit. I think I understand everything and that I'll remember it all for the exam. Three hours later I'll go right the way down to realising I know nothing and thinking that I am just plain shit. I'll go to bed in a nervous mood and wake up in it too. Then by lunch I think I'm amazing again etc etc etc etc. It's a rollercoaster of confidence. At the moment I am at the "I am shit" point.

There's only one cure for this - sing. Give it loudy. Pump the lungs and release the tension. I promise you it works. You might feel like a complete fool while you're doing it but it really helps to relieve all the seriousness and tension. Use loud upbeat songs and let rip. The cheesier the better. At the moment I would recommend:

1) Tony Christie - Is This The Way to Amarillo?

(Alternative lyrics: Show me the way to Aston Villa, Man United and Middlesborough, Wave by bye to Coca Cola, the Premier League awaits for me, shalala lalalala hoops!)

2) Status Quo - Rocking all over the World

I like it, I like it, I like it, I lalala like it lalala like, here we gooooo....

and then the Daddy of them all:

3) Touching me, touching you...SWEEEEET Caroline (BA DA DA) Good times never seem so good....


Go on. I dare you.

Different uni's and schools will be starting exams soon. I hope that whenever you start it goes well for you. May God guide your minds and your hands and help you achieve all you want to.

Good luck!

Most wanted bodies

Today's wasting of revision time included seeing the end of World's Top 10 Most Wanted Bodies on VH1.

Firstly, this shows what crap you can get up to when you're bored from studying. Secondly, I have to say that I was very dissapointed not to have made the top 10.


I will be writing to VH1 to complain.

Shiling must have been on the selection committee. The picture was taken by her just before she told me to put my shirt back on and banned me from taking it off again...ever.

The belly is becoming an issue again. I've gone from using the third notch along my belt at the start of the year to using the second one along now. It's damn depressing. I blame it on essays and exams. And McDonalds. Not because I eat there but it just seems to be the trendy thing to do at the moment.

Evening runs will now be in order I think.