26 February 2006

Shirts off

Cristiano Ronaldo got booked for celebrating his goal today by taking his shirt off. I think the ref's just jealous of Ronaldo's physique. If I had Ronaldo's physique I'd be whipping my shirt off every time. Heck, I'd probably take my shirt off even when the other team scored. If it was a really good goal I might even take my shorts off too.

I think I'm going to stop now before people start to think I am in fact batting for the other team.

PS. If anyone knows what 'Nacao Valente' means, please leave a translation in the comments section.

Carling Cup Final: United 4 - 0 Wigan

United beat Wigan 4-0 to win the Carling Cup today. I don't care what competition it is, it's great to win a trophy and I've been grinning from ear to ear since this afternoon. United were wonderful but I do feel sorry for poor Wigan, espescailly their goalkeeper Mike Pollitt who had to come off after only 10 minutes of his big day due to injury. He was clearly devastated to come off.

Perhaps the most touching part of the day was the United players going up to get their medals wearing shirts 'For you Smudge', as a touching tribute to Alan Smith who was horribly disloacted his ankle and broke his leg against Liverpool last week.

I'm not jumping up and down like I was when United won the Champions League or anything but it's always a great feeling to have won a cup. Well done to the players!

24 February 2006

MSN laughing

I have had a little thought about MSN laughing. Things aren't as funny online as they are when seen or said in person. And how do you express the fact that you find something someone's said over the internet funny? Sometimes you even have to laugh at your own jokes to make sure the other person knows you've just told a joke. For example:

"You are ugly. hahaha."

If you don't put the 'hahaha' they might think you are actually calling them ugly. You can't hear sarcasm in an MSN message. You'd never laugh at your own jokes in real life. It's just embarrassing (OK, maybe sometimes I laugh at my own jokes but it is widely accepted that I am generally a fairly odd bloke) but you have to laugh at yourself on MSN to signify that you have just told a joke (no matter how bad that joke may be).

Also, how do you know people are really laughing? Are they laughing or just smiling or not even smiling but just pretending to laugh so they can humour you? I thought to myself, if I do an 'MSN laugh', am I actually laughing? Sometimes it's odd to laugh because if you're in a room with other people they don't understand what you're laughing at. All they see is you looking at a computer screen. It's like seeing people singing to themselves in their cars. You can't hear the music but you see their lips move and perhaps also their bodies sway. And they don't know you're watching them. It's really funny to look at.

I think the general translation for what my 'laughs' mean are as follows:

'haha' = I think it's funny but I probably haven't laughed. I may have smiled.

'hahahaha' = The thing said is funnier than something deserving only a 'haha'. Alternatively, the person I'm talking to has probably said something fairly rude that I know they think is funny but I don't but feel I have to humour them anyway. I guess that makes this the equivalent of a nervous laugh, as in the type of laugh you give when someone says "I am a member of a KKK". You hope they're joking so you laugh but inside you think it's not really that funny and you really hope they don't actually mean what they just said because, having met them, you would not be surprised if they really were a member of the KKK.

'ahhahahahahahahaha' = The thing said is genuinely funny. If I write this it probably means I have smiled.

'HAHAHA' = The thing said has tickled my funny bone. I have probably chuckled to myself while everybody around me wonders what I am laughing at while I stare at my computer screen.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA' = Very funny joke. I may not have fully laughed but I have chuckled and am smiling for a longer period of time.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH' = The thing said is the funniest thing I have heard all day. I am laughing for sure.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA' = I am probably laughing really loud. The people around me in the room think I am nuts.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA' = It is unbelievably funny. I have probably stopped breathing from the laughter. Please call me an ambulance.

14 February 2006

A Valentine's Day Special

In the spirit of the day, I present the story of a romance. Here is a look in to the diary entries of your typical couple:

The girlfriend's entry:

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself. He hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

The boyfriend's entry:

Man United lost today. Gutted. Got a shag though.

I think I've just realised why I'm single.

12 February 2006

Twenty-five things you didn't know about Chuck Norris

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

There is no such thing as evolution. Just a list of species that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Before he goes to bed, the boogeyman checks his cupboard for Chuck Norris.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Children are afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris can win a game of 'Connect 4' in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because hunting implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

When you wake up in the morning it's only because Chuck Norris has decided to spare your life.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC for calling their show Law and Order. Law and Order are the names of his right and left legs.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

If you spell 'Chuck Norris' in Scrabble you win. Forever.

From the Chuck Norris facts website.

08 February 2006

Importance of punctuation

Get your punctuation right. A misplaced comma, full stop or apostrophe can change the meaning of your sentence, as illustrated by this:

A teacher wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

05 February 2006

Desperate to be Housewives

Announcing the arrival of the next big thing in world cinema: the legend that is Steph Ancell.

If you're at uni just to pick up a husband (you know who you are), or if you've ever felt that someone was trying to make you in to a husband (you also know who you are) and are around the Leeds area on 12th February then do pop round to Steph's for the World Premiere of her first film.

All you OCs out there may also be interested to know that the film also stars the great and gorgeous Georgie Hallet (Warrior, The Tempest, Return to the Forbidden Planet and pretty much all the plays that were on in the BTT between 2000 and 2002) and that the soundtrack was written by our very own Jon Opstad (Still Picture).

And if that's not enough, you even get popcorn and cake. What more can you ask for?

04 February 2006

Shearer's 201st

It's one of the greatest sights in English football. For the last fifteen years or so we've got used to seeing Alan Shearer's one armed salute after scoring a goal and today he did for the 201st record breaking time for Newcastle. His goal in their 2-0 win against Portsmouth means that he is now Newcastle's all time top goalscorer.

He's been a thorough pain in the arse when he's scored against Man Utd but I will miss seeing him play after he retires at the end of the season. There are very few strikers as good as him these days. People will be talking about him for many generations to come.

Shearer obviously does not read this blog but, just in case, congratulations on a great career Alan. You would have won more trophies if you'd signed for Man United all those years ago. If you get bored in your retirement next year, you can always sign for Reading.

03 February 2006


I normally like to keep this blog light-hearted. People have so many serious things to think about that I don't want to add to people's concerns by writing about 'big' issues. 'Big' things are normally the things that drive wedges between people. I don't spend an awful lot of time debating about such things because it's just not worth it in the wider context of life. We are ultimately one humanity. Each of us enters the world naked and leaves it naked so what is the point in arguing over our differences? The world is one.

However, all the arguments that have come as a result of the cartoons printed of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in various newspapers has unusually provoked me in to writing my opinion on the issue. And, as a Muslim, my opinion is this:

Yes, of course it is disrespectful of the press to print such things. They know Muslims will be upset by it yet they seek to prove a point about freedom of expression by printing it anyway. But how can Muslims react to this by doing things like burning the Danish flag? It is extremely hypocritical to get upset because someone has disrespected something important to us but then in turn disrespect something that is important to them, namely a symbol of thier nationhood and identity. It is not possible for me to say which side is in the right. To me, neither side is right. Both are in the wrong.

We are all different but in the end we are all the same. Every human being was created by God and it is therefore out of love and respect to Him that we love and respect one another. It is the only way we can get out of all the problems that we face in the world today.